This is a Joke of a thread

An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman
died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.

Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few
minutes out there.

About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to
the old man.

"Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just
think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife
since you always bring it out here with you."

"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for
indecent exposure!"

A young woman goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he
notices a red "H" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard
sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse,
he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt,
even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse,
he notices a green "M" on her chest.

"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?

Paddy was in the bathroom and his wife shouted: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answered, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

---

Paddy went to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he told the vet.
The vet took a look and said, "It seems calm enough to me."
Paddy said, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

---

Paddy spied a letter lying on his doormat.
It said on the envelope, "DO NOT BEND." He spent the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

---

Paddy shouted frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asked the Doctor.
"No!" he shouted, "this is her husband!"

---

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he had to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulled him over, so he told the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop said, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

---

Paddy's dog went missing and he was frantic. His wife said, "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He did, but two weeks later the dog was still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asked.
"Here boy!" he replied.

---

Paddy was in jail. The guard looked in his cell and saw him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asked.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replied.
"The rope should be around your neck," said the guard.
"I tried that," he replied, "but then I couldn't breathe."

---

(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asked Paddy: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which Paddy replied: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

---

A friend told Paddy: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
Paddy then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

---

Paddy & Mick found three grenades, and they decided to take them to a police station.
Mick asked, "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy said, "We'll lie and say we only found two."



Some paddy jokes

nice ones Novice.... especially the goldfish...()

George was a bad loser. When he was cleaned out in a poker game for
very high stakes, he slapped his hand on the table and got up to
leave. As he walked past, he couldn't resist insulting Max McTavish,
the bald man who had cleaned him out.
As George walked past, he ran a hand over Max's bald head and said
sarcastically, "Your head feels just like my wife's arse."
Max put a hand to his head and said, "By crikey, mate. You're right.
It does!"

*A TYPICAL THAILAND LOVE STORY*


A man was lying in bed with his new Thai girlfriend in a hotel in the Thai resort of Phuket.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles... something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that so much?”

"Because," she replied, "I really miss mine..."


Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it…

Are the scots tight ?

Angus goes to visit his mate Jock. He finds Jock stripping wallpaper.
Hey Jock, he say's, redecorating are you ? No say's Jock, I'm moving.
[ take it easy Hibs ]

Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?
A. A laughing stock.

Q What is the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What is the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you will miss them both.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A.They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.

nice one mark(tu)

The Boss to a lady aspirant to the post of a Secretary:

Boss: "What is the difference between a paper clip and a screw?"

Lady: "I do not know. I have never been paper clipped"