Funny as f...

Online poker players might understand the humour more but degenerate gamblers will have a chuckle too...




My Poker Story
I first started playing poker on pacific poker at 5/c/10c with my bankroll 25 dollars. I built up to 50 dollars and then I deposited more money after I lost everything because my girl called me a prick one day I was in the middle of hand. I have done some crazy things when on tilt. I used to take my girlfriends hairbrush and bite down on it everytime I lose and and make a "urghhhhh" noise. One day I caught my reflection in mirror and scared myself. I wondered if I was possessed.

Fast forward to recently, I had just managed to secure a job at a department store and was happy to get the job but I thought of nothing but poker everyday. I wanted to be a big star and make massive money so after being there three weeks I started to rob the place. I would take $1000 dollars a week from the other cash register and steal shirts and jeans and sell them on ebay. I soon had saved up $19 000 and I put this on fulltilt. me and the other guy both got fired cus they couldnt prove it. I told the other guy he is a bad friend to cover tracks.I started playing 2/4 dollar game at first and I was winnig so good I read the book called theory of poker and signed upto cardrunners which I thought helped me so much I wore sunglasses because of eyestrain and played 8 tables. I soon made $13523 dollars and bought my girl a poodle.

I moved upto 5/10 when I had 80 buy-in and I crushed all the regulars on full tilt.I felt like I was invincible. I eat and sleeped poker. I had dreams about full houses and big pairs. one time I had a dream about a woman and her breasts turned into KK and I said "I call, I call your tits." I was distressed so i told my girlfriend and she got mad over a dream???? I started to move up and play the odd 6 handed 25/50nl game on betfair. I started out running really good and then it happened! I lost 10 buy ins to disgusting beats!!! 2 outer, 3 outer, 1 outer OMGZZZZ. I would flop top 2 pair guy would push all in with flush draw i'd call and I was losing 93% percent in these situations. I was so mad that I punched my monitor and now it fades to a million pixels and to keep it on I have to hold it with my finger and thumb I managed to get a peg to save finger strain but I was so mad that I called my girlfriend a "troll face" and she went to live with her mom, but she didn't take the dog and the dog was not even house trained ,it kept pissing everywhere, I got major tilted.Then one night it happened. I was having a good night and managed to win back 14 buy ins and I was just about to quit for the night and i'd called my girlfriend on the phone and talked her into coming home in few days. I promised no poker for the weekend, no moodiness and to take her out for a meal to say sorry. I think I agreed to all this because I had won a few pots. Just before I was gonna shut down my table I got dealt AA in the big blind, and some guy raised to 800, I raised to 2400, he pushed all in for 27k..I had to call. He flipped over AA and made a flush on the river.............OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG)"(&U")$(*$"&)"$, to think about it makes me want to punch cows in the face OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG I was so sick I threw my mouse at the wall and screamed I was so angryyyyyy,I pulled my book case over and put my foot through a glass cabinet that I realised just after had been a gift from my girlfriends mom. I shut the computer off and went for a walk in the dark talking over the hand, about how I couldnt have done anything. Then over the next two days I lost the rest of my roll at 5/10 to the most disgusting beats, OMG...I had AA vs KK, lose, I had set of queens, lose to runner straight 5 times in a row, I had 17 cases of set vs overset and I lost to a straight flush 4 times, and a better straight flush once in 29k pot which which was 2 days before my girfriend was due home...I had no money no food, and I hadn't changed my underwear in a week.

I needed cash badly. Realy badly. I called my friend john and asked to borrow 5k and he thought I was crazy...5k cmon, 5k is nothing to a poker player john you idiot!!!!!! I couldnt get any money, I just wanted back in the game, I walked outside and it was raining and I seriously blubbed like a child. I was so angry with myself, maybe it was karma for the department store. Then I did the most inforgivable thing. I sold my girlfriends poodle for 8 buy ins at 50nl and I started to grind that shit out. when my girlfriend got home she asked where the dog was and I said that it ran away and she freaked out and asked why I didnt go look, I said I looked round the house for it and in the backyard but it probably wanted to live in the country in its natural habitats. She went NUTS and started hitting me and thats when I squashed her face up against the window I know I shouldnt have done but I was so MAD!!!!!!!!! I mean why couldnt she understand how a man feels when he ahs to drop from $25/50 to 50c games...omg I am so mad thinking about it... so anyways, she said she was leaving and I said "go then u fat sloth puppet", (she is fat) and she cried, I didnt give a ****..I was really angry at this point and wanted to prove just how mad so I ripped her dress and then stuffed it down the toilet, she said she hated me " you needle dick idiot" and she left and I seriously thought about throwing a milk bottle at her ass but instead I threw a slipper at her car..then I I went inside and tripped pover the coffee table and smashed a mirror with a hard -back book.

I started 5 tabling 50nl..I won a few buy ins and I felt like I could turn this all around..but then I lost most of it I was so mad I went to the 1000nl OmahaHi/lo and called david benyamine rude things.



BEAT:girl comes back
Man, I don't believe the last few days i've had. I said i'd never play poker again but I went to sleep and woke up like I had to get back in action. I found some collectable items (action man) and got 99 dollars each for 2 still in their boxes, the guy haggled a dollar, I figured I would either load up 4 tables of 50nl or look around the house for more stuff to sell. My girl has a nice mirror and exercise bike so I put them out on the front lawn with a sign saying "you want? Cash" and I couldn't believe whena few hours later some lady with massive earrings and a chiwowa showed up and offerd me 300 bucks! I was like mentally working out how many buy ins that was at 50nl.So the next day, i'm feeling better about life even though I lost around 138k because at least I got a roll now so decided to order pizza and play some hands. I played all afternoon and just broke even, but then arouns 8pm I was back to 745 dollars..

while I was playing I started thinking about how far behind my original amount I was so I was like **** it!,lets crank it up to some 1/2. I ran like rats. OMGGGGGGGGDZZZZZZZZZZZZ I flopped a wheel and that **** fell off by the river. I was so angry I picked up one of my binders that I keep some old papers in and hit my head with it numerous timeswhile calling myself degrading things.I decided to take a break because I was shaking a little. I kept imagining that smug grin of phil galfond and I got really tilted. I decided to watch some porno which was a really bad decision. While I was watvhing it my girlfriend came back "to talk" and I didn;t hear her come in. I was jacking it when she walked in, and it was a crazy japanese hentai porn and am sure I was groaning a little, and this cartoon guy was about to ejaculate when he started shouting and turned into some space rocket and im like thinking WTF, but I still know im going to come (really embarrasing) then my girl called my name so I stood up with mess all over me I tripped over my boxers and I have no clue why but I just blurted out "porn is not poker!" and pulled my shorts up.my Girlfriend was like "OMGZZZ i cant believe I come all the way back here to see you and you are sitting there watching ungoldy things on the internet and disrespecting me!!" I was like wtfff...this is my ****ing house you are insane arent you troll? She picks up a remote and threw that **** right at me and it hit my wireless mouse and the battery flew out ad im thinking oh**** how ami gonna multitable if she broke it...

I was so maddddd, I lunged at her and missed her with my elbow, then she brought up that I lost her poodle im like that was so long ago! I said git out but she wouldnt leave, cus she wanted her stuff She noticed the mirror and I had to tell her some lie about feng shui and how I left the bike somewhere but my memory was impaired...so she starts blubbing and I said "all u do is cryyyyyy u havent even lost any parents!!!!!!!!" (she hasnt) and omgz she went BAT **** CRAZY and came at me, she got really close to my face and that is the first time that I noticed her nose hairs..please dont judge me I dont know why I did this, but I was so mad that I ripped off a giant lampshade and stuck that sh1t on her head..OMGZ she is still here upstairs hopefully packing stuff and I want her out...I need to get back to 25nl I got grind on the mind




Rock Bottom
OMGZZZZZZZZZZZZ, my girl wouldnt leave infact she locked herself upstairs like some crazy fall of the house of usher bitch. Im like "u better come downstairs and get the hell out!! shes like "this is my house!!!!!!!" Im like "WTF horse goblin, who u think u are? I grind this mortgage day and night!!" .she started making weird noises that reminded me of a tracheochtomy upstairs so I just ****ing ignore that sh1t. I got grind on the mind.

Picked up KK in the small blind make a little raise and some punk tries to rush me with a min raise and I jam him for $29.50 and he folds. Next hand I get KK again different suits, and I make a little raise and the same guy, does the same min raise, and I jam him for 48.57 and he calls with 44 and Spikes a ****ign 4 OMGZZZZZZDZ< ,my eyeballs must have looked like they were gonna pop out and if they had I would have stamped on them FFSSSS. then I lose 8 more buy ins, 3 set over sets,a counterfeited 2 pair, a bigger boat and OMG, THIS GUY CALLS 3 streets of bluffs with queen high and inside stragth draw and catchs a queen on river FFSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS"!!!OMGAZZZZZZZ... how can I lose over 100k in cash games and still lose 25nl

OMGGGZGZZGZGGZ Kill me witha reindeer harpoon These degenerate pieces of **** kill me day in day out even when I play my best game my graphs look like a broken fckin ski lift..my bloodpressure is high too cus I checked it earlier (171/101)I am so pissed that im spitting cereal at this point cus I am down to 98.72 dollars..WTF thats a pathetic short stack at 1/2. I march upstairs, gunning for my girfriend, I want to really push her out of a window by this point and I find her choking herself out with a ****ing phone cord WTFFFFFFFFFFFFF. I want to leave her but I guess I have to save her so I untie the chord and her tongue was hanging out, she was the color of a dolphin, and I couldnt help but notice how I was glad I had not impregnanted her womb upto this point. So she starts croaking some kinda nonsense and she has what looks like a burnmark around her neck and says "look what u did" IM LIKE WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF FF" shes stars whimpering and she says shes gonna call her dad and get him to **** me up (yea right, hes fat and slow as ****). So yea, we fight over the phone being plugged back in cus I seriosuly dont want her calling him at 3am!!!! probably sayin I tried to strangulate her or some BS.I get her to promise me she will not call him and I let her stay over out of sympathy she said she thinks she is coming on her periods. Im like i do not care for periods.

I go downstairs and I dont even wanna play poker cus I am so upset now, I cried quite hard i must admit to some RnB which was quite good for me because I really thought agter that I could grind the 98.72 dollars, I made myself a mayo sandwich and sat down to think abot bankroll management.. I didnt know what to do with the 98.72 so I went to blackjack, and im like ok if I double up im fire up 4 tables of 50nl and grind till dawn. my logic is like ok fire the whole 98 with the first hand, no ****ing around...I bet 98, I get dealt j5 ()) Dealer shows A-, and it says Do u want insurance???? Im like omgdzzzzzz and the light flashes RED and he flips over BLACKJACK, on the first go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGGG I pick up a mug of cold coffee and throw that **** at the wall and immediately I am so angry at the stain.....IM ****ING BUSTO AGAIN!!!!! WTF...I sell my girls poodle, I sell my action men, a exercise bike and im still ****in busto, and all my credit cards are maxed out and I dont even know what to do, I need mortgage cash and at least some throwaway MTT punts..Next thing you know there are headlights pulling up on the driveway, its 4 39 am WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. its gotta be the cops!!!, nope its fatty mc fat fat, her papa showed up and im thinking she is a catergorical lie bag bitch.

He comes walking up to the door and I dont know why I did this but I switched off the light (probably a bad idea) hid under the table in the office hoping he would go away....he knocked again much louder and I was thinking that I wished I was on the roof to drop something on his head like my girlfriend.. So Im hiding in the office and eventually my girl comes downstairs and I hear them talking he sees the mark on her neck andsays he he says "DID HE DO THaT??!?!!" and she didnt say anything, she like changes the subject like a teasy bitch!!!!!! WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF, how can you sit on the fence about strangling yourself????? I shout through the door that his daughter is a crazy mental bitch who tried to kill herself probably over a poodle and thats when he hears where I am and shes like "no daddy dont" and hes like" HAS HE FORCIBLY ENTERED YOU?" Im like "WTF" and shes like "No daddy nooo", but not even her largely obese frame could hold him back .. im quite scared at this point because he is fat and slow but a cunning fat person.

He starts barging the door and i'm counting my outs. he called me a tinweasel? IM thinking WT****ING HELL...... This king ralph looking mofo is dissing me???? , Im mad now and ready to go like a red rag to a bull.. and ready to fight them both even though I promised never to hit a woman, but after everything she put me through I decide to yell that I i sold her poodle for poontang..at this point he breaks the door down with a grunt and im sure he farted with the exertion..I was disgusted. we were heads up and as far as I was concerned I was raising even without the button. I step to him and I throw a left that misses and he hits me with a right, but he was really sluggish and I managed to catch him with a haymaker and thats when he did the most ridiculously looking roundhouse kick for a fat person I have ever seen...I catch his leg and spin him around...I decided as this point that a fist fight was probably -EV because of his flab and my small fists so I decided to **** him up with a paper weight(which I did) It only took 4 hits to the head for him to be flat on the floor and then I sat on his back and glouged his eyes out im like "THIS IS HOW BUSTO FEELS"..hes like screaming louder than his daughter at this point " CALLLLLLL THE SHERIFF"..thats when my girlfriend hit me on the ****ing head with somethign, I aint know what that **** was but it made a loud BONG noise, I turn around and I really dont know why I did this but I kicked her in the pu$$y,,,OMGZZZ I WAS SO ****ING MAD I SAID OKKKK, THATS IT..U EITHER STAKE ME, LET ME HAVE YOUR BANK ACCOUNT SO I CAN BONUS WHORE OR I WILL KILL YOUR FATHER...SHE DOESNT EVEN KNOW WHAT BONUS WHORING is????....I EXPLAIN I NEED NEW POKER ACCOUnts to get the bonuses why dont u understand?????? She says "NO" because I spent all her money once before I TRY to explain its different because its basically like getting rakeback for a month but she still dont get it, no college degree having bitch.. im like razz would suit you bitch.. so I go upstairs and I dont know why id did this i think maybe it was maybe because variance had never been so cruel to me the most ridisculous swongs ever worse than brian townsend and gus hansen put togetherso Im thinking of complete dark thoughts I go upstairs and sit there and stare at a piece of wall paper vaguely aware I am dribbling and then i set fire to myself ....I woke up in ER with 33% (flush draw) burns the DR told me I was lucky to be here or some uplifting sh1t, all I could think about was being busto...

That may be the funniest thing I have ever read!!!!

It reminds me of another lunatics lines ''wach out where the huskies go, dont you eat that yellow snow'',our one and only Frank Zapppppppppppppppppppppppaaaaaaaaa.Weird but a great laugh.

Brilliant and also scary...............

Funny stories!! It is the funniest stories that I have ever read!
Thanks!
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Many treasures.

Found this hilarious :-

bayern wrote:

This was the funniest response to the article, the replies were even funnier :-

One time, in a shopping mall bathroom, I heard a guy in a stall repeatedly yell "in the name of Jesus, I command you to let go"...

reply :-

Baptize the little one!

This morning I was on my way to work, on the brink of an emotional breakdown. To distract myself I turned on YouTube and saw this video and was laughing out loud in the streets. Thank you so much, this was literally the kinda story I needed right now.

Enjoyed this, especially the second half about swinging :-