Beer, fishing, golf and sex

A man walking down the street was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked for a couple of dollars for something to eat.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of food?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it for fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend it on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money, Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know

I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

A cowboy appears before St.Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" asks St.Peter.
The cowboy says "I can think of one thing, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I told them to leave her alone, but they would not listen.
I approached the largest most tattooed biker and belted him one in the face, kicked over his bike and ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, back off the woman or I'll beat all of you up."

St.Peter was impressed,
"When did this happen?"He asked.

"Couple of minutes ago." say's the cowboy.

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their “soon-to-be” new store.

As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, “I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, “What are you sellin’ here?”

One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling ass-holes.”

Without skipping a beat the old timer said, “Must be doing well… Only two left.”

PRESS RELEASE:

RENAULT & FORD TO MERGE

Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car.

They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis for the new zippy little car, the new model will be called “Clitaurus”.

The car comes in pink, with fur on the dash.

Note: - Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur option.

I was in the public toilets today and as I sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi, how are you?".
Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine".
The voice said "So what are you up to?".
I said, "Just doing the same as you - sitting here!".
Then I'm asked "Can I come over?".
Annoyed, I say "I'm rather busy right now".
Then the voice said, "Listen, I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the cubicle next to me answering all my questions".

SMS to wife:

"I should be home in an hour.
If I'm not home in an hour,
please read this SMS again."

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large
sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and
two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be
in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through
my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.



They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for
free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of
this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I
lost the sausage in.'

Good stuff!

Txs Scrooge, we do have a jokes thread on the site. "this is a joke of a thread" I am sure its called?

scotia Wrote:

---

> Txs Scrooge, we do have a jokes thread on the
> site. "this is a joke of a thread" I am sure its
> called?

My apologies sir - just warming up for the Jockey's international.