Only a joke

Three guys die in car accident and wind up in hell. They realize where they are at and find the Devil. They plead with him, "please let us go to heaven!" The devil comes up with an idea. He points at a huge escalater with some of the most beautiful, hottest women you have ever seen! He says you see that escalater? If you can make it up to heaven without engaging in ANY sexual activitie with any of these women then you are free to go. But if you do the nasty with any of them, then I am going to do to you something that your job on earth is related to. The first guy goes and fucks the first chick so the devil asks what his job was. " A mechanic" he replies. So the devil rips his dick off with pliers. The second guy goes and fucks the chick in the very middle. " A carpenter" he replies. So the devil saws his dick off. The final guy goes and makes it to the very top when he screws the last chick. The devil asks "Well you know the drill, what was you job?" and the guy just starts laughing his ass off! Furious, the devil asks him why he is laughing and the guy replies " I’m a fucking blow pop tester!

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking

A man walked into his lawyer's office with an apple and said he wanted to patent it. The lawyer looked at him and said it was just an apple and not to be so stupid. But the man explained that this is a special apple and asked the lawyer to take a bite. So the lawyer took a bite and it tasted like a banana. The man told him to turn it round a little bit and have another bite, so the lawyer did and it tasted like an orange. He was amazed! The man told him he could make it taste like anything he wanted as he turned it round, so, the lawyer asks if he can make it taste like a juicy vagina. The man says no problem, hands the apple back to the lawyer and tells him to take a bite. The lawyer does and starts coughing and spluttering and spits the apple out. That tastes like shit he shouts. The man just laughs and tells him: just turn the apple around!

Louis Van Girl will be driving back at 100mph to Manchester and not going on the team bus. He will do anything for 3 points.

I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters. He didn’t like
it – I had it. Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn’t like it, I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Cider. By the time we got down to the
whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram.


“So, what’s your story then?” My date asked. “Been married, kids?”
“Well I used to be.” I said. “No kids and my wife passed away. She drowned.”
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry.” She gasped. “Recently?”
“Quite recent.” I replied. “My sleeves are still wet.”

I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked, “How would you like your steak, sir?”
“The same way I like my sex,” I replied.
He smiled and said, “So, rare?”
Doos!

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. “I want to live forever,” I said.
“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that.”
“Fine,” I said, “I want to die when England win the World cup again.”
“You crafty bastard!” said the fairy.

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car and a load of other crap.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?”
I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

Two old women are sitting in a cafe. Margaret says to Ethel, “Did you come on the bus?”
Ethel replies, “Yeah, but I made it look like an asthma attack.”

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.