Mollett's World "uncut"

Good morning all, sure many are reading the Citizen "Mollett's World" well here is one that was a bit "hot" for the Racing Express.

Thanks to Molly for sharing.


David Mollett
Saturday’s Vodacom Durban July has received a fillip with the news that President Jacob Zuma will be at Greyville for SA’s most popular race. This was confirmed yesterday by Gold Circle’s co-chairman, John Bescoby, who said “We are delighted that the President, who comes from KwaZulu-Natal, will be attending SA’s most famous race.”
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Following this announcement, Molly believes there may have been a hastily arranged press conference that might have gone something like this.
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“Good morning, everyone. My name is Lulu Gotthelotto. I am delighted all three of you racing writers could attend this media announcement.
“As you know, the President and his three wives have accepted invitations to attend the July - they are, of course, busy choosing their outfits. Despite their obvious dislike of horse-racing, we hope the leading Sunday newspaper will send a photographer and take pictures of all three.”
“Although we don’t like to intervene in sport, the President’s advisers have recommended a few changes to July day which the two Gold Circle chairmen - Eish! what is wrong with one - have agreed to.
“Firstly, the President and his wives are very fond of goat. Therefore, we have decided to start the meeting by slaughtering one in the parade ring before the first race.
“Now, our efforts to find a suitable goat have failed, but we are told a trainer called “Laff” has got one so he will be required to bring the animal to the course on Saturday. We are told he’s a humorous man, but just how funny he’ll find this we’re not sure.
“After the goat has been served to the President and his wives, we have given permission for the remainder to be taken to the kitchens so the chef’s can make goat curry. We want to keep the tradition of people eating curry at the July.
“Now on to a jockey change. We have decided that Moosi Yeni, who we understand hasn’t got a July ride despite being in good form, will replace Bernard Fresh-Herbs on Pocket Power. Our advisers have established that Bernard is a heavy fellow while Moosi is not. The change will keep animal anti-cruelty activists happy. Also, the President intends placing a wager on Pocket Power as that’s exactly what he did with his landslide win at the election.
“Next, the commentator issue. You may remember that Mauritian commentator, Stand Up, an “homme” who knows a “cheval” when he sees one, called a few races at the July a few years ago. This was due to our government’s friendship with Mr Chirac, the French President, who too the same view as us and condemned the Iraq invasion.
“This time we are inviting Zimbabwean, Peter Morelove. We understand there was a big meeting in Harare at the weekend and that he delighted the crowd - but maybe not the stewards - by calling a race in Shona.
“As you will know from his statements in Durban last weekend, the President is deeply concerned about the SABC, but they have assured him they will relay Mr Morelove’s commentary to our friend, Robert Mugabe.
“Another issue is the national anthems which caused controversy at Loftus Versfeld last weekend. Nobody will have to worry about covering any of the emblems as we have decided to play Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” at the opening ceremony.
“Now, money which is always an important issue. Our advisers have established that two of the leading horses in the July are owned by the same man, Mr February Liftyourshirt. He will be receiving an e-mail from my office informing him that - in the event of one of his horses winning - he will have to donate a million to a special cause. We can reveal that the special cause is former Haitian leader, Jean-Bertrand Aristide, who informs us he needs another house, another Merc and more security.
“After one of Mr Liftyourshirt’s horses have hopefully won, we have instructed Tellytrack’s, Mr Nico Greekkiss, that the presentation should be conducted by Cecil and our beloved, James Maphiri.
“As you will know, we got rid of the July smoke sponsors a few years back, but we feel Vodacom can’t have a free ride in every sport. They will be required to hand out R100 cellphone vouchers to everyone going through the turnstiles. It goes without saying that they will offer the President their latest product.
“Finally, gentlemen and lady, we hope you will convey these Durban July changes to your readers with our best wishes for a memorable day. We didn’t find US President George Bush very memorable and are delighted that Barack Obama is now in the hot-seat, but we liked the way Bush often concluded a media briefing. “You can trust in us, folks.”

LOL