This is a Joke of a thread

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of


'Here I come again. ONE,TWO,THREE UUH!' all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection.'

The second dwarf shook his head.
'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!!'

1) What is a KISS?
It's an upper PREPARATION for a lower INVASION that will lead to
further PENETRATION with fast ACCELERATION that will build the next GENERATION.

2) Latest Statistics:
What men do after s *x?
- 2% eat.
- 3% smoke cigarettes.
- 4% take shower.
- 5% go to sleep.
- 86% get up and go back home to their wives.

3) Why is your d ! ck better than a credit card?
- Once spent it recharges itself.
- It is accepted worldwide.
- You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.

4) A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
The lady sitting next to him asked:
Are they your babies?
MAN: No, I work in a Condom Factory and these are customers COMPLAINTS.

5) Women top 5 lies:
I am a vi * gin.
It is so big.
I can't do that to my best friend.
I won't gain weight after marriage
I am coming! I am coming!!!

6) A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says:
You want to play magic?
She says: What is that?
He says: We go Home, F*ck, and then you disappear.

7) What is the closest thing to a woman's period?
Your SALARY...It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and
If it doesn't come, you are F* #KED!!

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 (or who feel like it)

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded:

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


These are actual comments made by police officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

DRUG SIDE EFFECTS:

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon
and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this
Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl
of soup homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you
like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm
still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

FIRST QUESTION:

YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?








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ANSWER : IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST, THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE
SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!

TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,
BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?

SECOND QUESTION:
IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?
(SCROLL DOWN)







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ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE.....
WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??

THIRD QUESTION:
VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE: THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.

TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.
ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?


SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....








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DID YOU GET 5000?
THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100...
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?

MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT....



FOURTH QUESTION:
MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:

1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4. NONO, AND ??? WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?









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DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T.
HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!

OKAY, A FINAL CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF:

A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?





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IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE
HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT.

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...

"Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops."

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists: A Yale graduate, and an Irish hunter.



They were given a single word, then allowed two minutes to come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '.



The Yale graduate stepped to the microphone and said:



'SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND

TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.

MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO

DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU '.



The crowd went crazy! No way could the Irishman top that, they thought.

The Irish hunter calmly made his way to the microphone and recited his poem:



'ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,

MET T'REE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.

DEY WAS T'REE, AND WE WAS TWO,

SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU !'



The Irishman won hands down.

I wish to die peacefully in my sleep, like my GrandPa. . . .not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his taxi. . .
#
Light travels faster than sound. . . People appear bright until you hear them speak. .
#
You spend the first two years of your kids lives teaching them to walk and talk. . . . And then the next sixteen to tell them to sit down and shut up. .
. #
John finds an old stub for some shoes he left at the repair shop some six years ago. . He thinks it would be funny to go see if the shoes are stil there.
He hands it to the repairman who takes it, goes to the back, comes out again and says, ''They'l be ready by Monday''.

Jimmy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar. "I had sex with another woman last night," he tells her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time". "You miss me that much?" she asks. "No, he says. "But it kept me from coming too fast".

I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Muslim friend in bleach, I thought I'd try to lighten Mahmood.

A Black Man goes down to the Docks looking for work, he meets a Ships Captain, who asks him if he has any Seafaring experience?
Black guy says NO, but I am a willing to learn and I am really, really honest.
Captain says he will give him a chance.
Three weeks later out in the high seas, the guy is swabbing the decks when a huge wave crashes over the boughs and sweeps him into the Sea.
The First mate runs to the Captain, shouting Skipper, Skipper, you know that Black guy you employed at the Harbour?
The one who says he is really, really honest.
Captain says yes, what about him?
First mate says, He has just f*cked off with your Mop