This is a Joke of a thread

Very sharp them Nando's boys...

OMG !!!!! I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi !, how are you ?" Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to ?". I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here !". From next door, "Can I come over?". Annoyed, I said " rather busy right now". The voice said, "Listen, i will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions".

Over five thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel "Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land".

Nearly fifty years ago Harold Wilson said "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".

Then Gordon Brown stole your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land.

Now David Cameron has loaned my shovel to a third World country, (he hasn't realised yet that WE are now a third World country), raised my fuel bills, lent my money to a crowd of incompetent, greedy "Merchant bankers" and increased Vat to 20%.

I got so depressed last night I called the Samaritans they diverted my call to a call centre in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each".

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

And now you know how the stock market works...

What you call a man with a spade ....Doug ()

What you call a blind Bok ...no eye deer ()

just thought this was classic so read it!
>THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
>
>fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining
>to my husband that my breasts are too small.
>
>Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he
>uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:
>
>"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
>toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.
>
>Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand
>in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
>
>"How long will this take?" I ask.
>
>"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
>
>I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
>between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
>
>Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
>
>He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk
>again.
>
>Stupid, stupid man.

I was out the other night for a few drinks with the boys. Only quiet
> >drinks though, I promised my wife that I would be home by midnight...
> >
> >At 3am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
> >
> >Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
> >cuckooed three times. Quickly, I realised she'd probably wake up, so I
> >cuckooed another 9 times.
> >
> >I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution,
> >even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
> >
> >The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12
> >o'clock. She didn't even raise an eyebrow.
> >
> >Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock.
> >
> >When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times.
> >Then it said, 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
> >cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more.... then farted.
>

a man was walking across the road with his wife when he was involved in an
accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatosed for
two days before he finally regained consciousness.

When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him. He held her hands
and said meaningfully "You have always been by my side. When I was a
struggling University student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even
my re-writes as well. You were there beside me, encouraging me to go on
trying..."

She squeezed his hands as he continued. "When I went for all the major
interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me,
cutting out more adverts for me to apply..."

He continued, "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to
handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were
there beside me.""Then I finally got another job after being laid off for
some time.But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not
recognized. As such, remained in the same position from the day I joined the
company till now...And you were still beside me..."

Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband "And now I had an
accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me...".

"There's something I'd really like to say to you..."

She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion.

He said, "I think you bring me bad luck ... now fuck off"

Nationalise!!!

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Not everyone can afford a wheelbarrow

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THE WORST DAY IN HISTORY...

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bad boys

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