This is a Joke of a thread

This guy is in court for hitting his wife and the judge says:
"Why do you keep beating her?"

He said, "I think its my weight advantage, my longer reach and superior footwork your honour!"

Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth."Nurse", he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand & his testicles in the other, ...she takes a close look & says,"There's nothing wrong with them Sir." Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her & says very slowly,"Thanks for that, it was lovely, but listen very very carefully."Are-my-test-re-sults-back?"

An Irish Family Tradition

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Granny,' he asked, "It's me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me fa, his fa, and his fa before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your fa, your grandfa and your great grandfa were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip shit.

At the race track Mick says to Paddy

Do you want the winner of the next race

Paddy replies no thanks I only have a small yard

In Memorium

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.   Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.   The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.  They put his left leg in.  And then the trouble started.

My friends ask me what I do for a living.

I say "I'm a disco boy".

They say "What's a disco boy"?

I say "dis goes here and dis goes there"

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you
will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the
dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

A young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend make the decision to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Italy for a week. The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon. While checking in the lady behind the desk asks 'We have two suites available for you, would you like the bridal?' 'No thanks says the jockey I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!'

A Rooster called Jacob

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or
ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the
soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and
attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which
rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by
listening to the bells.
The farmer's favourite rooster was old Jacob, and a very fine specimen he
was too.
But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Jacob's bell hadn't rung
at all!

Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing.
The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Jacob had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next
one.

Trevor was so proud of Jacob, he entered him in the Polokwane Country Fair
and Jacob became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded Jacob the No Bell Piece Prize but
they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.
Clearly Jacob was a Pulletician in the making: Who else but a Pulletician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our
planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them
when they weren't paying attention.

Do you perhaps know of a Pulletician called Jacob?

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them. They said it would be just like winning the lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and, to my horror, we had six matching balls!

My wife said to me "Can you explain why I've just found a pair of women's panties in your jacket pocket?" I said "Yeah... cos you're a nosey cunt!"