This is a Joke of a thread

A small zoo in Brakpan acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few
weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon
examination the vet discovered the problem. The gorilla was in season. To
make matters worse there was no male gorilla available.

Pondering over their problem the zoo-keeper thought of Frik van Wyk, a local
lad and part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Frik,
like many of the Brakpan men-folk, had little sense but possessed ample
ability to satisfy a female of any species. The zoo-keeper thought they
might have a solution.

Frik was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the
gorilla for R8000? Frik showed some interest but said he would have to think
the matter over carefully.

The following day he announced that he would accept their offer, but only
under 4 conditions:

"First", Frik said "I'm not going to kiss her on the lips!" The keeper
quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "You can never tell anybody about this." The keeper
again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third" said Frik "I want all the babies raised as Stormer's supporters."
Once again it was agreed.

"Fourth and last of all, " Frik said, "You'll need to give me another week
to come up with the R8000."

Food labels will no longer display kilojules as a measure of energy, from now on it will display horse power.
My dr said I must watch what I eat, so I bought a ticket for the Durban July...

A customer asked. "In what aisle could I find the Blou Bul wors?"

The clerk asks."Are you a Blue Bull supporter?"

The guy, clearly offended says. "Yes I am, but let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?
...
The clerk says."No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says."Well then, because I asked for Blou Bul wors. Why did you ask me if I'm a Blue Bull Supporter?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Builders Warehouse"

I was installing a light in the loft today, when I slipped off a joist and
put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling.

It scared the shit out of my girlfriend.

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.


Woman buys a new SIM Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her
husband who is seated on the couch in the Living room.

She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number "Hello
Darling."

The husband responds in a low tone "Let me call you back later Honey, the
stupid woman is in the kitchen.




Do you have feelings of inadequacy? -
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more
confident about yourself and your actions. It can help leave you willing
to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately
and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles
that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant
or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing
or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration,
loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of
virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration,
dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke all-night.

WARNINGS:

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many as you
feel may benefit!

Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz.

for this one ILMAO

I went to my doctor for physical & he sent me to see an Urologist.

When I got there, I saw the Urologist was a very pretty female doctor, the
female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new
procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.I want
you to lie on your right side, bend your knees,then while I check your
prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

So I laid on my right & then said "99"

The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while
I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".

Again, I said, '99'

The doctor said, "Very good, now then, I want you to lie on your back with
your knees raised slightly now I'm going to check your prostate with this
hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it
out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

I said,"1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,oh where was I ? I'll start
again,1,2,3

Little Shaun (seven) was in love with Little Lindsay (same age) who
lived next door.

One day, Shaun went to Lindsay's dad and announced (as seriously as he
could), "I'm in love with Lindsay, and we're getting married".

Amused, Lindsay's dad started asking questions (in the hopes to
discourage the idea).

Lindsay' dad: "Where will you live?"

Shaun: "Well, Lindsay has a playhouse in the back yard, so we're gonna
live there."

Lindsay's dad: "How are you going to make money to support her?"

Shaun: "Well, Lindsay gets R20 a week, and I get R25 a week."
.................. "That should be MORE than enough!"

Seeing that Shaun was still serious, Lindsay's dad asked, "Well, what
about children?"

Shaun perked up and quickly answered, "Oh, we have that figured out
already. Whenever Lindsay lays an egg, I'm gonna stomp on it!"

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of
dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night
light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When
our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat
scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat
likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned
so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard
again.

Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be
empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out
momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes
later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing
horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I
had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried
to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so
she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her
fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better
not shit in the vegetable garden again."

The silence in the taxi was deafening.....

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to
the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion,he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in
a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a
good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet
to the pub for a drink with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box,

"Would you like to go down the pub with me today? We will have a good
time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,
"How about going down the pub with me ?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a
few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's box and shouted, "Hey,
in there! Would you like to go to the pub with me?

This time, a little voice came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on!"

Cabernet Sauvignon....100% natural product.....SLMAO.....

Today I saw a midget carrying a plasma tv down the stairs , I asked if i could help him with the plasma but he only shouted at me to f...off
and said it's a Ipad

Application for the position of Chief Executive Officer of the National Gambling Board:

Dear Sir,

I take it you are a sir and not a madam because it has been my experience that, apart from the moment when they stand at the altar and say, “I do”, women are not gamblers by nature. I have always felt this to be rather a pity. Although their sixth sense clearly doesn’t cover the selection of a fit and proper husband, there is no reason to think it wouldn’t work when it comes time to decide whether to hit or stick, see or raise, or just plain have another tug on the old fruit machine.

I assume the position of CEO does not require much of an education. I do have one, though, but it is currently not in use. What I do have is an overwhelming love of gambling. I bet that you will not find anyone else whose passion for this sport of kings surpasses mine. I bet you R500. By reading this, you have automatically accepted the terms and conditions of the bet. Best you get your wallet out.

As the country’s gambler-in-chief, I will obviously be introducing a number of changes. My first act will be to install slot machines in every bar, restaurant, cinema, theatre, museum, supermarket and rehabilitation centre in the country. I don’t know who had this job before me, but he clearly dropped the ball on this one. Nobody should go out at night and not be within two minutes of a slot machine. It is simply unforgivable that this situation has been allowed to develop.

My second act will be install roulette wheels in schools. This wonderful educational tool will teach children about centrifugal force, the law of averages and the difference between red and black.

It must be remembered that the children of today are a new breed. When we were at school, we were never given pocket money. Our parents were in the church or the army or police force and never earned very much, although you would think that anyone who worked that hard to keep the blacks out of government would have been paid handsomely.

When our mothers packed us off to school, we were given a punch in the face and a piece of bark to chew on. Today’s kids are spoilt rotten. Not only are they given food, but the little darlings get money for the tuck shop, too.

That’s another thing. In our day we couldn’t get crystal meth and ecstasy from the tuck shop. We could only buy rubbish like cream donuts and fizzy stuff full of sugar and caffeine that would drive us demented and force our teachers to beat us mercilessly until we were hollow-eyed shells barely capable of absorbing even the most basic facts surrounding the Great Trek.

But I digress.

My point is that these children have access to disposable income which should be put to better use. Just because they are shorter than most adults doesn’t mean that their rights should be trampled upon. Smack them about, by all means, but don’t deny them the right to gamble.

A child who doubles or even trebles his money between classes is a happy, motivated child. I am nothing if not a responsible gambler, so it must be said that a child who loses all his money will suffer self-esteem problems and may try to commit suicide.

Seriously, though, who wouldn’t want their son or daughter to learn from a young age that one doesn’t necessarily have to work hard to become rich? I made this discovery relatively late in life – I think I was 32 – and that was only by a fortunate coincidence involving my uncle, two Indian fellows and a Chinaman with a rabbit down his trousers.

As CEO of the Gambling Board, I will also strive to ensure that every suburb has at least two casinos. With religion dying out, it should be a simple matter of buying up the churches and converting them into bright, shiny pleasure palaces.

I want to put the sex back into bingo. I want poker machines in public toilets and blackjack in the hospitals. I want horse racing in the mornings, dog fights in the afternoons and naked mud wrestling at night. I want heads or tails to decide political disputes and playing the Lotto to be made compulsory. The only game I want banned is craps. Americans are big on craps and, quite frankly, I think it is a revolting habit.

I can start immediately. But maybe I am just saying that. Maybe I can only start in a month’s time. Want to put something on it?

Yours truly, ...... (ADD NAME)

@ Mav...LMAO....
"we were given a punch in the face and a piece of bark to chew on"
you were lucky.....:Dwe wished we had a piece of bark to chew on.....

Hibs I see the amount of hits on this topic just reached 10 000 and that is no joke

must be some sort of record except for the "who are you" thread have not seen many threads reach 10 000 views